Tapping into the depths. 

Not an original story, but probably a relatable one: two years of quashed creative outlets = an artist desperate to "art". 

This project came from a place of deep insecurity. Despite years working on-stage and on-camera, pouring my heart out to audiences of thousands, the reality is that I suffer from intense self-consciousness and personal judgement.

 

Performing on stage is my original love. I get to lose myself in another world for two hours every night. But after the curtain comes down I hang back in the dressing room as long as possible to avoid bumping into anyone from the audience. The compliments are out of obligation, right? They might be saying it to be nice. Hearing it will just tear the invisible protective barrier that lets me pretend I did well and that I might have earned that praise.

Film and commercials are even trickier. My inner-imposter ping-pongs around my brain to everything but my performance ... do I look like a bloated pig today? Was I supposed to look directly INTO the camera or slightly to the side?? What does this angle make my chin(s) look like? Oh geez, they're all whispering about how they want to replace me with someone who is 

[younger.thinner.moretalented.notafraud.soundslesslikeachipmunk.

funnier.etc.etc.etc.]

 

I spend the next 12 hours trying not to vomit from the whiplash.

My artistic outlets are hard, but awesome. I'm constantly challenged. When one feels overwhelming I can balance it with the other.

 

And then the pandemic hit.

 

My heart was ostensively boarded and shuttered. I sheltered and zoomed and watched a lot of tiktok. I did the virtual auditions and created my perfect little set-up. Months of this went by until finally I got a call from a friend - the theatre that had been my artistic home, family, and refuge didn't survive the pandemic. They were closing it for good. 

I died a million creative deaths after hearing the news.

So I took a step back from on-camera work mid-pandemic. After I'm done with commercial auditions I spend days replaying the whole thing trying to figure out if there is something I could have done just a little differently, just a little better that might have landed me the job.