So aside from being the worst person in the world for forgetting to blog last week (AH!) I've had a lot of very introspective thoughts these past 2 weeks.
Unfortunately, If I don't write absolutely every thought that pops into my head they pop right out into the fairy-verse where I can only assume they're used to help glitter little children's dreams. ...or nightmares ...that might depend on the thought.
When we first started doing these blogs a few months ago my first feelings were very mixed. I was happy about having a new uncomfortable task, I was a little overwhelmed thinking about adding work to my already loaded load, and I was frustrated to have to process my feelings in such a pointed and public way.
I've never been a diary writer- though I tried on multiple occasions. I've never been great at taking photos of big moments in my life. I'm TERRIBLE at taking compliments. I mean, I'm Reaallllly, reaaaaalllly bad at accepting compliments with ease and panache. I might be worse at that than anything else in my life.
But the more I think about writing down my feelings in this blog the more those thoughts snowball into bigger feelings and questions and revelations and...did I say feelings? Apparently I haven't been as fantastic at confronting my emotions as I once thought I was.
I've battled with depression pretty badly in the last few years of my life (BAM! Let's just open that little box in the bottom of my soul) and it's been a real struggle to figure out who I am again. The only real thing I have to go off of is what I remember people telling me they liked about me during my happy years and trying to "fake it till I get it" to be that girl again.
I'm not that girl anymore. I never will be that girl anymore. And I think that might be totally fine.
The amount of confidence I've grown these past few weeks has been pretty mindblowing to even myself. I've been able to say things to people that are normally only fairy thoughts in my dream world of "wouldn't it have been great if I'd said..." "...if I'd done..." I think I've only been living that life inside.
To unlock that part of me has been unbelievably empowering. I'm learning that if I don't ask for something I will probably never get it. I'm learning that people really like being around me when I'm being natural and comfortable and just being myself. I'm learning that I'm a REALLY GOOD LISTENER (thank you Richard Robichaux for unlocking that gift). Also, the more I listen, the more I'm able to give.
Maybe that's the key. Giving everything I'm able to give to everyone around me and filling those voids with even more magic.
I listened to a podcast with Vince Gilligan a few months ago when he said something that has stuck with me in a way I never imagined: As a writer, he learned to never hold on to a good idea for a plot line. Whenever he used those good ideas they unlocked an entire universe of other amazing ideas he never would have dreamt if he hadn't opened those doors. It let him move down paths in his stories bigger than he dreamt.
I think that giving more of myself to everyone around me serves the same purpose to open other doors.
The rough cuts of the first 3 episodes of my webseries were emailed to me this afternoon and I saw first hand how that listening has made me a more honest person and a more honest actor.
Honesty is a really hard thing to give for me. I'm an honest person with things that I do, but I don't know that I'm always honest with myself and I definitely don't give the most honest version of me to the world around me. Walls are safe and comforting. Honesty is terrifying and vulnerable.
I think I like this new experimentation with the more vulnerable me. And I hope everyone around me is liking it too.
...But even if you don't...you can suck it. :-)