I'm a little numb this week after everything that's been going on in March. I've been in 7 different cities in the last 30 days alone. I keep apologizing to my cats every time I have to pack another suitcase. They've lost all faith in regular snuggles- I can see it in their eyes.
In the insanity of commercial auditions, commercial filming, webseries planning, and script writing I realized during class last week that I have completely forgotten how to do Film and TV auditions. Ahh, the joys of rehearsal.
Normally that would put me in a state of panic because I'm an over-preparer.....but THIS time, it only put me in a SMALL state of panic. Because of all of the work that we've been putting into the class over the past 2 years I'm definitely conditioned to expect to move to any new topic at any point, but it made me think about my ability to multitask my work as an actor. I'm now questioning how versatile I am compared to what I tell myself I'm able to do.
For example: My sister made me watch an episode of Orphan Black last week because she was so impressed with the versatility of the main actress on the show. She plays at least 5 different characters in each episode- which had me doing some inner assessing.
Could I do that if I was asked to in an audition? In my head- YES, there's nothing I can't do. But, in reality.... could I? Am I actually stretching myself to the limits of my abilities or am I working on the perfection of one "type"? Have I wasted the last 2 years on working on one ANGLE of my abilities? Really- am I good enough?
Maybe these are insecurities popping into my head it's because we're nearing the end of our two years- but then again, maybe it's better self awareness.
I've also had a series of auditions lately that have resulted in me slamming my face into my palm of my hand as I head out the door. I walk away feel disappointed in myself for not doing better. Part of that is still the intimidation of the camera in my face (although my time in Chicago did WONDERS for fixing that insecurity) but part of it is just a general questioning of my abilities and preparedness.
It's a real conundrum. I have confidence in my heart that I can do any of it and I can be amazing, and then turn around and question whether I'm lying to myself. Maybe that's one of the things holding me back.
Someone told me one time that actors should be booking about 1 out of every 10 auditions. So far, that is NOT my success ratio.
It seems like I'm losing confidence in "Brandi-the-actor" while simultaneously gaining confidence in "Brandi-the-writer."
Lots of introspection this week. .....You see- This is the trouble with having a second to think and process feelings.
Whatever. Get lost, insecurities. I can totally do this. ...Right?