“To be nobody but
yourself in a world
which is doing its best day and night to make you like
everybody else means to fight the hardest battle
which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”
― E.E. Cummings
No worries, E.E.! I'm fighting the good fight every day.
I have so many thoughts! Starting a blog feels simultaneously like the best thing I've ever done and the worst thing. There is now a place for me to unload my sea of feelings and thoughts about things that happen in my acting life and in the industry....but now people are subjected to those thoughts and feelings.
OH WELL! Onwards.
I thought I would give a little hiccup of poetic thinking before launching into my own less concise ramblings- and lets face it...E.E. Cummings definitely said that in a way that no one else ever could.
Lately I've been dealing with a big struggle. I have worked my TAIL off in my career to earn every second of success. ...For me, success is the chance to act in a project that fulfills me as an artist. MAJOR success is when I also get paid for it.
The only time I'm getting paid these days is working on commercials. Don't get me wrong- commercial work can be tons of fun. I've met some of my favorite people on sets working commercials and have laughed myself silly while we work to make something special, but in the end commercials always leave me feeling empty- it's clear that they need to sell a product, not tell a story.
Sorry, Don Draper...no one is buying it. (Ok, fine...everyone buys what you sell)
But selling myself as an actor has proved to be really difficult in some cases. I work endlessly memorizing, preparing headshots and resumes, plucking my eyebrows just-so, whitening my teeth, allowing the emotional schizophrenia to feel like the 'norm', convincing people I'm not crazy for talking to myself in the car, driving across the state- in rush hour traffic most of the time-, changing outfits in my car multiple times daily, and then doing...wait for it.... a 90 second audition. Likely, 90% of the time I didn't get the job. No explanation why, no indication that it didn't happen other than static silence. And then I do it again and again and again hoping for something to stick. Ugh. Acting.
Therefore, in an effort to marry my desire for doing really AMAZING work and no one having to put me through the stressful gauntlet of people to book the work, my sister and I have officially started producing our writing.
We have been writing together for years with the ultimate goal of producing, and every day we get closer to that goal. It's a pretty simple endgame: Write stuff that means something to us, and make people laugh in the process.
You know, I may not be a poet like E.E. Cummings.- But I'm a lady. I'm a writer. I'm an actress. I'm a sassafrass. And I'm ready to make some shit happen.